Tag Archives: teamisrael

YUNG JOC

4 Sep

Before we begin, dear reader, I must warn you, if you are having a hard day, this is a sad story.  As you may have heard, Joc Pederson was recently called up from the Minor Leagues to play for the Los Angeles Dodgers.  I know Joc, and, well, this is hard, how can I, it’s just, as the King of All Jewish Baseball, Protector of All That is Holy on Earth, I feel it is my responsibility to tell you the truth about him.

Joc Pederson. Team Israel.

Joc Pederson. Team Israel.

I met Joc in the hospitalty room at the hotel, a room full of snacks, and drinks he was too young to have.  He was only 20, an exciting young prospect.  Now, just look at him, disgusting, WASHED UP, 22 years-old, at the end of his career.  It’s sad, really, to see him hobbling around out there like that.  He could have been good.  But we’ll never know.  HE IS TOO OLD.

Way back then, back in the day, in 2012, he was strong, and fast. “Who is this kid?”  So much talent.  So much skill.

How did he fall so far, so fast?

It happens all the time.  You know the story.  Money, women, leading the league in home runs, drugs, 30/30, paranoia, Rookie of the Year, a secret obsession with cookies and cream ice-cream, MVP.  And boom, look what happens, next thing you know, STARTING IN CENTER FIELD FOR THE DODGERS AT 22. So sad.  But that’s just how it goes, I guess.  He lost himself.  Can you imagine the shame?

Yes, Ladies and Geetles, the truth about Joc Pederson is, I must confess, once and for all, that… he is a good kid, and a great baseball player. Yes, a kid, still. Or maybe he is a good baseball player, and a great kid. Or maybe a good baseball player, and a great taxidermist. It remains to be seen.

I have a picture of me and Joc in the clubhouse in only our jock straps and some catchers gear. As a PROFESSIONAL BLOGGER, I would like to share it.  But I will not, because, well, I am the King of Jewish Baseball, and he is a MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL PLAYER, and you are neither of these things and as such do not deserve to see an object of such sick beauty.  He has a reputation as a SOCIOPATH DRUG ADDICT to protect. And I would not want to do anything to harm him.

YUNG JOC, we’re in Israel in Dodger Blue hollering your name!

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 “DON’T BE SCARED TO BE GOOD…”

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THE ROAD TO SLOVENIA

5 Jul

What is this “World Cup” people are speaking about?  I have never heard of it.  Clearly, the world is not interested.  No, no, no.  The collective conscience of all animal life on Earth is focused solely on the significantly larger and more important world sporting event know as the EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIPS OF BASEBALL C POOL, where the lowest ranked teams in Europe compete to advance to next summer’s B Pool.  TV deals are in negotiation.  Stadiums are being faultily constructed even as I sit here writing, in my bathtub filled with gold and rubies, surrounded by my women dressed, barely, in velvet and brass, feeding me truffles and spellchecking.  That’s right, Ladies, Geetles, faithful addicts of the Greatest Blog of All Time, on July 27, in 3 weeks, we, the Israel National Team, the Greatest Jewish Baseball Show on Earth, leave for Lubljanja Slovenia to play against our International Baseball Counterparts in the deadly gladiatorial competition of wit and athleticism called baseball.  But the road Slovenia is not an easy one.

According to the travel documents I just received, it appears we will we fly into Prague on the 27th, sleep 4 hours in tents in the forest behind the airport, rent canoes, and head east down the first sewage canal we find.  A witch named Rudolf in a Team Israel hat will be waiting for us at the southern mouth of the canal.  He will lead us through the treacherous sewage rapids into the GULF OF POSSIBLE DEATH where we will drift and let the current take us until rescue helicopters come.  This will be considered our “rest period”.  We do, after all, have games to play.  There will be 3 stick-shift Jeeps covered in rust with drivers waiting for us at the hospital after we rehydrate with intravenous fluids and have received treatments for our open sores and various mental illnesses we developed from drinking a deadly if delicious combination of salt water and sewage.  We will do a quick head count and drive south on route 4 Million for 9 hours where we will stop to get gas, eat raw tomatoes, and throw bullpens in the parking lot of a rest stop in Transylvania.  If everything goes according to plan, the Jeeps will run out of gas by the time we reach THE WEIRD AND MAGICAL EUROPEAN CASTLE HALFWAY UP A SNOW CAPPED MOUNTAIN OVERLOOKING A LAKE OF WATER SO STILL AND PURE IT LOOKS LIKE CRYSTAL WHICH IS VERY NEAR SLOVENIA, as it’s called, when, for the final leg of our trip, we will inflate our orb balls and roll directly to the field in uniform just in time for the 1st inning of our 1st game.  According to our travel agent, it is the cheapest option…

For now, we are practicing 3 days a week and have games the other 3 days which is good because it is only 1.3 trillion degrees celsius in Israel this time of year.  I experienced a unique injury at practice the other day, both my knees melted.  Not sure about the recovery time.  We are working HARD, fueled by the power of a thousand future generations of Israel Baseball fans.  I must tell you, I have never had this much fun playing.  We have three weeks before we put on our periwinkle blue Team Israel uniforms and get the chance to call ourselves CHAMPIONS.  Despite the odds of making it to Slovenia alive, I think we can do it, we can win this thing, we can return to Israel, late, exhausted, empty airport, full hearts, hopefully with a trophy.

You’re lucky, you can join us, without having to canoe through Eastern Europe, you have me, your own personal genius.  So switch the channel from the World Cup Finals to the whatever station our games will not appear on, use your imagination, for it is stronger than your TV anyways, and join the Israel National Team on the ROAD TO SLOVENIA.

 

 

LET'S GO!

LET’S GO!

Here is our schedule… And since you are likely too lazy to click on the clearly labeled link, I rewrote it with my own two hands below.

schedule

Tuesday, July 29, vs. Finland, 1:30pm
Wednesday, July 30, vs. Slovenia, 5:30pm
Thursday, July 31, vs. Latvia, 1:30pm
Friday, August 1, Semi-Finals,
Saturday, August 2, Finals

Search #roadtoslovenia on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter for all updates on the team and our trip…

 

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JEWPANESE

22 Dec

I have refrained, most honorably, may I add, from writing about Youk on this, the greatest blog of all time.  But with news of him signing in Japan for the 2014 season (http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/baseball/youkilis-leaving-mlb-play-japan-article-1.1554521), I must speak up.  Youk, you have been stealing what is rightfully mine for too long.  And now you want to go international too!

Imagine, if you can, Ladies and Geetles, dearest, faithful reader, a young KOJB, my first Big League game, Fenway Park, Red Sox vs. Athletics, bleacher seats, right field.  I was not prepared for the size of the field, the brightness, the green, the brown, the crisp white uniforms, Henderson, Canseco…  The game was tied 1-1 going into the bottom of the 9th.  Tom Brunansky hit a solo walk off home run on the first pitch over the left field fence, the Green Monster. I made up my mind, one day I would be the 3rd baseman for the Boston Red Sox.

Fast forward.  I am on the fast track to Fenway.  I’ve been invited to visit the University of Cincinnati, they can’t resist me, want to see if they can tame the wild young stallion, harness the power.  Watching practice, the 3rd baseman is fat and slow.  He has a funny name no one can pronounce and no one will ever know anyways, unlike my name, which everyone will know, he is nobody, and I am the future starting 3rd baseman for the Red Sox.

My first day of practice, we are hitting partners.  He is funny.  And he has a weird batting stance.  He definitely is no good.  We’re both Jewish.  Brothers!  From then on, we hit together at practice, and throw together before games.

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Youk in college.

Fast forward.  2004.  I am sitting at a bar in New York City watching Youk win his first World Series with the Red Sox, the first Red Sox Championship in 86 years, the curse of the Bambino, broken, the comeback against the Yankees after being down 3 games to none, first time ever.

How could this happen?  Betrayal.  It was supposed to be me!  I never even started at 3rd base in college, except when Youk moved to short stop for half a season, instead being banished to catcher, tortured behind the plate. I thought we were friends, bro.  We had a seder together!

Youk went on to win 2 championships in Boston, 3 time all-star, Hank Aaron award-winner, gold glover, finished top 5 in MVP voting multiple times, set the record for errorless games for a 1st baseman, and, eventually, moved to 3rd base, the final dagger in my back, my rightful position.

So I found new turf.  Went out into the world, into the frontier, the unknown, international baseball.  I played in the Israel Baseball League, and in Germany the next year.  I went to the Dominican and Puerto Rico.  I was slowly becoming an expert on international baseball, the King of All Jewish Baseball.

Now, after all these years, Youkilis wants to swim out into open water, too, leave his comfortable little bubble, the so called “Major Leagues”.  Well, bring it on, bro.  This is my domain.  You have no idea what awaits you, the harsh reality of non-America, the language barrier, monopoly money.  You think the Tokyo Dome is nice? – Think again.  The place is a dump.  If you needed a contract to play international baseball, you could have just asked.  The Tel Aviv Comrades were prepared to make you the generous offer of 350 shekels a week.  But suit yourself.  If you want to play in a lesser league where not everyone on the field is Jewish, go right ahead.  Let’s see if you can handle it…

Youk, you are good, and you are brave, and we are rootin’ for you more than you know.

Prepare yourself, Japan– World, a big bright Jewpanese Star is coming, Ichiro, Matsui, Daisuke, all in one, and his name… is YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUK.

Go Golden Eagles.

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Young KOJB and Young Youk before a game at Duke.

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BRAD

4 Nov

Big news…

Brad Ausmus, our manager from last year’s World Baseball Classic Team Israel, has been hired to manage the Tigers.   I can see only one reason this happened considering he is TOTALLY UNQUALIFIED to manage a Major League Baseball team.  He only caught 18 years in the Major Leagues, played the most games ever of any Jewish Major Leaguer, has a degree from Dartmouth, and was trusted enough to be given control of the Los Angeles Dodgers, for one day, the last day of his playing career, by some guy named Joe Torre.  The only explanation as to why the Detroit Tigers have hired him to manage… is…. clearly…. that…. Brad Ausmus is trying to take my title as King of All Jewish Baseball.  There, I said it.

So let me take this momentous occasion, as we are gathered, here, on this internet, Ladies and Geetles alike, to say, IT AIN’T HAPPENIN’ , Brad, if that is your real name.  I see what you’re doing, and I don’t like it, not one bit.  I will not be dethroned.  You’re always saying, “Fish, you’re the best player I have ever played with”, “Fish, you’re such a good writer”, “Fish, I wanna be like you”, “Fish…”– yeah, yeah, yeah.  You know what, Brad, sssssssshhhhhhhhhhhh.  I see now, you were just softening me up to eat me.  All part of your sick plan.  Hear this, I, and only I, am the King of Jewish Baseball.  I will ride through Detroit on horseback, lead by my torch and mediocre sense of direction, searching each of the plentiful deserted corners and abandoned houses of that sickly midwestern city until I find you, cowering in a corner of a boarded up methadone clinic, with Miguel Cabrera, pleading for mercy.  Which brings me to Detroit.  Do not think, Detroit, you are not going to be held responsible for this, contempt, conspiracy.  That is right, Brad Ausmus and the City of Detroit are trying to oust me from power.  But I see you, Brad, Detroit, I see everything.  I should have cut your head off with the sword I wear down the left inseam of my uniform when I had the chance…

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I could have cut your head off here

Brad Ausmus, from Israel Baseball and the Kingdom of Jewish Baseball,  Congrats– nay, Mazal Tov!  Oh– and I expect a job, bench coach sounds good.  Lamont is totally lost out there, no idea what he’s doing.

And I shall leave you with this, as if the humiliation has not been enough, a short film about Brad by Team Israel teammate and fellow creator of Genius Jewish Baseball Media, Triple-A Padres Superstar, the Anti Hero, Cody Decker…

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