Historically, the word “speedball” has been used to describe injecting the deadly combination of cocaine and heroin. What I am about to propose is something far, far more dangerous.
As you know, Dear Reader, I, King of Jewish Baseball aka Spirit Bro, spend much time defending baseball to people who know nothing about the game, or anything else for that matter. These people are often referred to in the medical community as “Israelis”. Major League Baseball is a $6 billion a year industry, players are paid more than any other athletes in the world, but, alas, you can find me any given Tuesday morning, or Wednesday afternoon, desperately trying to convince a group of 7 year-olds and a half-sleeping elderly security guard that baseball is a real thing, an actual sport human beings play and enjoy. It’s not just Israelis. People all over the world, including America, are making obvious, elementary, critical observations of the game. It is slow. It is boring. The players are fat.
Major League Baseball is considering minor adjustments to the game. A pitch clock. Don’t let hitters step out of the box between pitches. Build a high-speed roller derby track from the bullpen to the mound. But none of those things will really speed-up the game. We need change. Real change. Meaningful change! We need a revolution. So I came up with a creative solution. I invented a faster game that will supplant the game formerly known as “Baseball” probably WITHIN HOURS. It is a plan to kill and save baseball simultaneously. The game is called SPEEDBALL. Here is how it works…
RULES OF SPEEDBALL
6 on 6
3 innings
All fastballs (curve balls will be deemed “illegal” and automatically called a ball by the robot umpire)
No bunts
No leads
No steals
No mound
No subs (except in case of injury)
Home runs are automatic sudden death victories
Huge contracts
Millions of screaming fans
Besides that, the rules are the same. There are still walks and strikeouts. There are still 3 outs after which the teams still switch sides. And the team with the most runs after 3 innings still wins the game. It’s exactly like baseball, but better. Think of it as baseball for dumb people.
“But how,” you ask, “Um, Mr. King of Jewish Baseball, could this possibly work?” To which I say, first of all, it’s Dr. King of Jewish Baseball, to you, and then that I expected you to ask a stupid question like that because you lack imagination and fear change and are a hinderance to the general advancement of mankind. Speedball is a simple game. It is about throwing hard, hitting hard, and running hard. Games take an hour. Give the people what they want, or perish.
I would post a video of Speedball, but IT DOES NOT EXIST……… yet.
Welcome to the future! Welcome to the show! Welcome to SPEEDBALL!