Before we begin, dear reader, I must warn you, if you are having a hard day, this is a sad story. As you may have heard, Joc Pederson was recently called up from the Minor Leagues to play for the Los Angeles Dodgers. I know Joc, and, well, this is hard, how can I, it’s just, as the King of All Jewish Baseball, Protector of All That is Holy on Earth, I feel it is my responsibility to tell you the truth about him.
Joc Pederson. Team Israel.
I met Joc in the hospitalty room at the hotel, a room full of snacks, and drinks he was too young to have. He was only 20, an exciting young prospect. Now, just look at him, disgusting, WASHED UP, 22 years-old, at the end of his career. It’s sad, really, to see him hobbling around out there like that. He could have been good. But we’ll never know. HE IS TOO OLD.
Way back then, back in the day, in 2012, he was strong, and fast. “Who is this kid?” So much talent. So much skill.
How did he fall so far, so fast?
It happens all the time. You know the story. Money, women, leading the league in home runs, drugs, 30/30, paranoia, Rookie of the Year, a secret obsession with cookies and cream ice-cream, MVP. And boom, look what happens, next thing you know, STARTING IN CENTER FIELD FOR THE DODGERS AT 22. So sad. But that’s just how it goes, I guess. He lost himself. Can you imagine the shame?
Yes, Ladies and Geetles, the truth about Joc Pederson is, I must confess, once and for all, that… he is a good kid, and a great baseball player. Yes, a kid, still. Or maybe he is a good baseball player, and a great kid. Or maybe a good baseball player, and a great taxidermist. It remains to be seen.
I have a picture of me and Joc in the clubhouse in only our jock straps and some catchers gear. As a PROFESSIONAL BLOGGER, I would like to share it. But I will not, because, well, I am the King of Jewish Baseball, and he is a MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL PLAYER, and you are neither of these things and as such do not deserve to see an object of such sick beauty. He has a reputation as a SOCIOPATH DRUG ADDICT to protect. And I would not want to do anything to harm him.
YUNG JOC, we’re in Israel in Dodger Blue hollering your name!
“DON’T BE SCARED TO BE GOOD…”