Big news…
Brad Ausmus, our manager from last year’s World Baseball Classic Team Israel, has been hired to manage the Tigers. I can see only one reason this happened considering he is TOTALLY UNQUALIFIED to manage a Major League Baseball team. He only caught 18 years in the Major Leagues, played the most games ever of any Jewish Major Leaguer, has a degree from Dartmouth, and was trusted enough to be given control of the Los Angeles Dodgers, for one day, the last day of his playing career, by some guy named Joe Torre. The only explanation as to why the Detroit Tigers have hired him to manage… is…. clearly…. that…. Brad Ausmus is trying to take my title as King of All Jewish Baseball. There, I said it.
So let me take this momentous occasion, as we are gathered, here, on this internet, Ladies and Geetles alike, to say, IT AIN’T HAPPENIN’ , Brad, if that is your real name. I see what you’re doing, and I don’t like it, not one bit. I will not be dethroned. You’re always saying, “Fish, you’re the best player I have ever played with”, “Fish, you’re such a good writer”, “Fish, I wanna be like you”, “Fish…”– yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what, Brad, sssssssshhhhhhhhhhhh. I see now, you were just softening me up to eat me. All part of your sick plan. Hear this, I, and only I, am the King of Jewish Baseball. I will ride through Detroit on horseback, lead by my torch and mediocre sense of direction, searching each of the plentiful deserted corners and abandoned houses of that sickly midwestern city until I find you, cowering in a corner of a boarded up methadone clinic, with Miguel Cabrera, pleading for mercy. Which brings me to Detroit. Do not think, Detroit, you are not going to be held responsible for this, contempt, conspiracy. That is right, Brad Ausmus and the City of Detroit are trying to oust me from power. But I see you, Brad, Detroit, I see everything. I should have cut your head off with the sword I wear down the left inseam of my uniform when I had the chance…
I could have cut your head off here
Brad Ausmus, from Israel Baseball and the Kingdom of Jewish Baseball, Congrats– nay, Mazal Tov! Oh– and I expect a job, bench coach sounds good. Lamont is totally lost out there, no idea what he’s doing.
And I shall leave you with this, as if the humiliation has not been enough, a short film about Brad by Team Israel teammate and fellow creator of Genius Jewish Baseball Media, Triple-A Padres Superstar, the Anti Hero, Cody Decker…