As the King of All Jewish Baseball, I am, of course, afforded a flock of assistants. Think of them as an ARMY OF INTERNS, or slaves I have rescued from the pitfalls of freedom, or friends I pay to spend time with me, except I do not pay them. I currently have 4 interns. And I am building ships to bring them over 10 at a time next year.
I get them from a primitive far-away continent called “North America”. They come for 2, 5, 6, or even 10 months at a time. They sign up for an “internship” with the Israel Association of Baseball, but they don’t read the fine print, This is a LIFETIME CONTRACT. It’s like a dysfunctional African conscription military, NO ONE MAKES IT OUT ALIVE. You either die in the line of duty, or you kill me and take my job, which can NEVER HAPPEN.
I get their resumes and pace my apartment thinking of how to use them. Fresh meat. We speak once on the phone before they arrive. And once they’re here, the brainwashing begins. I buy them lunch. Make sure they are comfortable. Then the phone calls start… in the middle of the night, “COME WARM ME SOME MILK and sit with me until I fall back to sleep, you ingrate, I BOUGHT YOU LUNCH!”
Ladies and Geetles, faithful readers, I, King of All Jewish Baseball, using only the power of the Great Spirit, and the internet, of course, and narco grade anti psychotic pharmaceuticals, without further anticipation, proudly present, THE 4 GREAT AND UNDEFEATABLE INTERNS OF THE IAB, as they are known, in some circles, in order of arrival…
Intern 1: Sam Friedman
Nickname: Israeli Coach Stevie
Hometown: St. Louis, MI
Status: Still here/Fully integrated into Israeli society/Brainwashing complete/Not going anywhere.
Sam Friedman aka Israeli Coach Stevie, the man who started it all.
Intern 2: David Holin
Nickname: D-Ho aka the Tallest Jew in the World.
Hometown: Philadelphia, PA
Status: In Israel/Claims to be leaving in two weeks/Does not know he will not be permitted to leave/Brainwashing incomplete/Tough one.
Intern 3: AJ Goldhoff
Nickname: G-Hoff aka Vitamin AJ
Hometown: Cincinnati, OH.
Status: Arrived 2 weeks ago/Will never leave.
Intern 4: Jeremy Sherman
Hometown: Cleveland, OH
Nickname: J-Sherm, J-Max, Jmaxamil, Jmaxamilf aka the Best Living White 18 year-old Jewish rapper from Cleveland.
Status: Just arrived/Must break his will to live/Never leaving.
D-Ho, Vitamin AJ, and J-Max tape up whiffle balls before a National Team practice.
In seriousness, these guys are amazing. They work with kids, they count uniforms, they clean equipment sheds. They are the best slaves money can’t buy. Why the best rapper in Cleveland, or any of them, have chosen to volunteer 2, or 5, or 6 months of their lives to Israel Baseball is a beautiful mystery none of us will ever know. We’re just happy they’re here.
I’ll pick you guys up in the morning for equipment inventory, then we have a meeting in Tel Aviv– oh, I almost forgot… SOMEONE BETTER BE AT MY PLACE TONIGHT FOR A BEDSIDE READING OF THIS BLOG POST.