The Major League season started this week. Spring training is over. Rosters are set. So, dutifully, I can now provide you a complete Team Israel update. So prepare yourselfs, Ladies and Geetles, as I, King of All Jewish Baseball, using only the power of the internet, and magic, of course, and copy and paste, and our statistically-minded friends over at http://www.milb.com/index.jsp, will now tell you where Team Israel wound up in 2013…
We got guys moving up. We got guys moving down. We got guys getting traded. We got guys staying put. We even got guys, well, a guy, in the BIGS. So, before we begin, good luck to all Team Israel affiliates this season, from the King of Jewish Baseball, and all the TI fans out there…
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Eric Berger 20 | P
Status: Active
 MLB Parent Club: Cleveland
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Berger, You are left handed, and Jewish. Now go throw a god damn strike. |
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Richard Bleier 27 | P
Status: Disabled 7-Day
MLB Parent Club: Texas
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Bleier, get your skinny Jewish ass off the DL, we’re gonna need you to break some bats today. |
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David Colvin 27 | P
Status: Active
MLB Parent Club: Seattle
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Colvin, wipe that god damn smirk off your face and look like a ballplayer one time, please. Thank you. |
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Jeff Kaplan 34 | P
Status: Active
MLB Parent Club: NY Mets
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Kap, gimme a smile, one time, please. |
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David Kopp 33 | P
Status: Active
MLB Parent Club: Detroit
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Wake up! Kopp, it’s baseball time,you son of a bitch. |
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Brett Lorin 35 | P
Status: Active
MLB Parent Club: Arizona
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Lorin, I am gonna need your tall Jewish ass to have a great season. OK? Thanks. |
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Max Perlman P
Status: Active
MLB Parent Club: Oakland
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Perl, Do me a favor, one-time, run a two-seemer up under someone’s hands and get some feet moving, please! |
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Justin Schumer P
Status: Active
MLB Parent Club: San Francisco
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Schu, you Gregg Maddux looking son of a bitch, use the force, and some arm-side run, and go win a game one time. Thank you! |
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Jeff Urlaub 28 | P
Status: Active
MLB Parent Club: Oakland
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Urlaub, you freaky, freaky left-handed Jewish son of a bitch, would you please just go and pound the zone like it was a god damn chicken cutlet, please? Thank you. |
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Josh Zeid 26 | P
Status: Active
MLB Parent Club: Houston
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Zeid, you’ve got me all fired up over here. Now take that Jewish lightning bolt in your pants and direct it to home plate, please. |
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Charles Cutler 37 | C
Status: Active
MLB Parent Club: Pittsburgh
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Cut, you clearly have forgotten to either grow or shave your mustache.I am gonna need you to hit a double.NOW! |
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Nick Rickles 9 | C
Status: Active
MLB Parent Club: Oakland
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Rickles, you son of a bitch, get your ass out there and hit a ball over the trees next to the office building across the street. |
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Jake Lemmerman 23 | SS
Status: Active
MLB Parent Club: St. Louis
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Schmecklestein, you happy Jewish son of a bitch! I am gonna need you to go ahead and handle the baseball today. |
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Jack Marder 3 | 2B
Status: Active
MLB Parent Club: Seattle
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Marder, I am gonna need you to be the first Jew to hit .400 on the moon. K? Thanks. |
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Ben Orloff 9 | SS
Status: Active
MLB Parent Club: Houston
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Orloff, you cute-ass Jewish wizard, do me a favor and do something shocking. Lay out for a ball, something, god damnit. |
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Josh Satin 8 | 1B
Status: Active
MLB Parent Club: NY Mets
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Satin, you’re gonna need to step in the box and just hang out for a while. Then, when the guys throws you the pitch, I am gonna need you to hit it over the right-center field fence. Can you do that? OK. |
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Cody Decker 16 | 1B
Status: Active
MLB Parent Club: San Diego
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Deck, I am not sure what kind of PR stunt you think this is, but I am gonna ask you nicely right now to HIT A FUCKING HOME RUN.Thank you. |
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Adam Greenberg 10 | CF
Status: Free Agent
MLB Parent Club: LA Angels
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Greenberg, stop running so god damn fast, slow down, get your fast Jewish ass over here, I have something to tell you… Go pinch run. |
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Ben Guez 22 | RF
Status: Active
MLB Parent Club: Detroit
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Guez, you Jewish son of a bitch, I am gonna need you to play this game with your jersey unbuttoned and untucked. OK? |
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Joc Pederson 29 | OF
Status: Active
MLB Parent Club: LA Dodgers
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Holy Shit, Pederson. Look at that mug. Did someone forget to tell you you have a BASEBALL GAME today. Get your ass out there and be as good as you wanna be. |
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Robbie Widlansky 12 | OF
Status: Active
MLB Parent Club: LA Angels
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Widlansky, Widlansky,Can I ask a favor of your Jewish ass? Can you put together a competitive at-bat one time and GET A HIT? Thank you. |
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Freiman, you gigantic son of a bitch, you listen to me, you think you’re special now cause you’re in the Big Leagues??? Huh? Well I have some news for your 6 foot 8 Jewish Ass… We’re proud of you. ALL OF YOU. And we’re rooting for you.
Now I am gonna need you to go hit a ball over a fence one time!!! Thank you.
(Nate Freiman in the Bigs)