Tag Archives: israelnationalteam


5 Jul

What is this “World Cup” people are speaking about?  I have never heard of it.  Clearly, the world is not interested.  No, no, no.  The collective conscience of all animal life on Earth is focused solely on the significantly larger and more important world sporting event know as the EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIPS OF BASEBALL C POOL, where the lowest ranked teams in Europe compete to advance to next summer’s B Pool.  TV deals are in negotiation.  Stadiums are being faultily constructed even as I sit here writing, in my bathtub filled with gold and rubies, surrounded by my women dressed, barely, in velvet and brass, feeding me truffles and spellchecking.  That’s right, Ladies, Geetles, faithful addicts of the Greatest Blog of All Time, on July 27, in 3 weeks, we, the Israel National Team, the Greatest Jewish Baseball Show on Earth, leave for Lubljanja Slovenia to play against our International Baseball Counterparts in the deadly gladiatorial competition of wit and athleticism called baseball.  But the road Slovenia is not an easy one.

According to the travel documents I just received, it appears we will we fly into Prague on the 27th, sleep 4 hours in tents in the forest behind the airport, rent canoes, and head east down the first sewage canal we find.  A witch named Rudolf in a Team Israel hat will be waiting for us at the southern mouth of the canal.  He will lead us through the treacherous sewage rapids into the GULF OF POSSIBLE DEATH where we will drift and let the current take us until rescue helicopters come.  This will be considered our “rest period”.  We do, after all, have games to play.  There will be 3 stick-shift Jeeps covered in rust with drivers waiting for us at the hospital after we rehydrate with intravenous fluids and have received treatments for our open sores and various mental illnesses we developed from drinking a deadly if delicious combination of salt water and sewage.  We will do a quick head count and drive south on route 4 Million for 9 hours where we will stop to get gas, eat raw tomatoes, and throw bullpens in the parking lot of a rest stop in Transylvania.  If everything goes according to plan, the Jeeps will run out of gas by the time we reach THE WEIRD AND MAGICAL EUROPEAN CASTLE HALFWAY UP A SNOW CAPPED MOUNTAIN OVERLOOKING A LAKE OF WATER SO STILL AND PURE IT LOOKS LIKE CRYSTAL WHICH IS VERY NEAR SLOVENIA, as it’s called, when, for the final leg of our trip, we will inflate our orb balls and roll directly to the field in uniform just in time for the 1st inning of our 1st game.  According to our travel agent, it is the cheapest option…

For now, we are practicing 3 days a week and have games the other 3 days which is good because it is only 1.3 trillion degrees celsius in Israel this time of year.  I experienced a unique injury at practice the other day, both my knees melted.  Not sure about the recovery time.  We are working HARD, fueled by the power of a thousand future generations of Israel Baseball fans.  I must tell you, I have never had this much fun playing.  We have three weeks before we put on our periwinkle blue Team Israel uniforms and get the chance to call ourselves CHAMPIONS.  Despite the odds of making it to Slovenia alive, I think we can do it, we can win this thing, we can return to Israel, late, exhausted, empty airport, full hearts, hopefully with a trophy.

You’re lucky, you can join us, without having to canoe through Eastern Europe, you have me, your own personal genius.  So switch the channel from the World Cup Finals to the whatever station our games will not appear on, use your imagination, for it is stronger than your TV anyways, and join the Israel National Team on the ROAD TO SLOVENIA.





Here is our schedule… And since you are likely too lazy to click on the clearly labeled link, I rewrote it with my own two hands below.


Tuesday, July 29, vs. Finland, 1:30pm
Wednesday, July 30, vs. Slovenia, 5:30pm
Thursday, July 31, vs. Latvia, 1:30pm
Friday, August 1, Semi-Finals,
Saturday, August 2, Finals

Search #roadtoslovenia on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter for all updates on the team and our trip…



20 Nov

We started our Strength and Conditioning Program this week.  I am in pain.  Every day at 7am, THE GREAT AND NUMEROUS MEMBERS OF THE ISRAEL NATIONAL TEAM unite at CrossFit Tel Aviv (http://crossfittelaviv.com/) and become one unstoppable and exhausted force of supernature.  CrossFit is the Scientology of exercise, it is its own world, with its own language.  This week alone, we have done 1.3 million neuro quad boosters, 400,000 lateral quazi skeletal laser thrusts, 4 galactic squat break downs in dual orbital sets, a one legged space-time hold, and infinite explosive negative zero cleans.  My time on the 93 million mile velocity techno moonbeam circuit is already down to .00000066565655522111 nano light years.   And so we have officially begun, the Israel Senior National Team, between our regular practices and training, our collective push to win the European Championships this summer, to ultimate victory, to once and for all extinguish the flame of desire that burns in each of us.

Orr Gottlieb, aka Israeli Babe Ruth, demonstrates perfect form on his poly quasar squats.

Orr Gottlieb, Israeli Babe Ruth, demonstrates perfect form on his poly quasar squat thruster dianetic boosters.

When you think of me, dear reader, which is often, I know, late at night, sleepless, looking into the darkness, you think of of me as a genius warrior-poet, the greatest exaggerator of all time, perhaps, or the most important conceptual artist/novelist/dancer of the 21st century, or, maybe now, as the Cross Fit Middle East Regional Champion, but forget not, I am also a REAL BASEBALL PLAYER.  So, to prove it, I leave you with this piece of moving picture and sound from THE VERY FANTASTIC ISRAEL BASEBALL INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO SERIES OF THE NEW ISRAEL BASEBALL YOUTUBE CHANNEL, magically created using only a single white dove, and a video camera, of course, and a lifetime of carefully crafted knowledge, with the overall production quality of a local access cooking show.

Here it is…