SPEEDBALL

9 Oct

In the past, the word “speedball” was used to describe the deadly combination of cocaine and heroin. From this day foreword, I declare, it will be used to describe something far more dangerous.

As you know, Dear Reader, as King of Jewish Baseball aka Spirit Bro aka Jewish Cal Ripken, I spend much time defending baseball to people who know nothing about the game, or anything else for that matter.  These people are often referred to in the medical community at “Israelis”. Major League Baseball is a $6 billion a year industry, players are paid more than any other athletes in the world, but, alas, you can find me any given Tuesday morning, or Wednesday afternoon, desperately trying to convince a group of 7 year-olds and a half-sleeping elderly security guard that baseball is a real thing, a valid game, an actual sport human beings play and enjoy.  It’s not just Israel, Americans are also making obvious, elementary, critical observations of the game.  It is slow.  It is boring.  The players are fat.

What can we do?  A pitch clock? Nope.  Don’t let hitters step out of the box between pitches?  Nah.  Build a high-speed roller derby track from the bullpen to the mound?  Maybe.  But none of those things will really speed-up the game.  We need change, real change.  We need a revolution.  So I came up with a creative solution, as is my habit. That is how it works, you see, the mind of a genius, if you were wondering, and the universe.  After an embarrassingly slow 2014 Premier League season here in Israel, while watching a 6-and-a-half hour, 18-inning playoff game between the Washington Nationals and San Francisco Giants, I invented a faster game that will supplant the game formerly known as “Baseball”, probably within hours.  A plan to kill and save baseball simultaneously. IT IS CALLED SPEEDBALL.  Here is how it works…

RULES OF THE GREAT AND SUPREME GAME KNOWN AS SPEEDBALL

5 on 5

3 inning games

All fastballs

No bunts

No leads

No steals

No pitching changes

Besides that, the rules are the same.  There are still walks and strikeouts.  3 outs, and switch sides.  The team with the most runs after 3 innings wins. Think of it as baseball for dumb people.

But how, you ask, um, Sir, Mister King of Jewish Baseball, could this possibly work?  To which I say, I expected you to ask a stupid question like that because you lack imagination and fear change and the rapid advancement of mankind.
It is a simple game.  It is about throwing hard, hitting hard, and running hard.  Games take an hour. Start your closer.  Fewer arm injuries.  More hitting.  Give the people what they want.  Or perish.  I would post a video of Speedball, BUT IT DOES NOT EXIST, yet.

Welcome to Speedball. Welcome to the future.

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